Fashion, either food or clothes, is always problematic for me. Very little that is considered au currant appeals to my sensibilities, yet I’m curious about trends on a sociological scale. So it was that I found this article, proclaiming various foods demode. I knew that most of these things were fashionable. Cupcakes, lava cake and tuna tartare are ubiquitous in the culinary landscape. And I must say that I’m so over lava cake, chocolate be damned. But truffle salt? It’s fashionable? Since when?

Granted, Yahoo! is hardly the leading edge of anything except diluted schlock for the Ritalin-riddled. However, some truth can be gleaned from among the tripe. A reader should just take it with a grain of (truffle) salt.

Pasta a la truffle 1 (not for the faint of mouth)

1 box of fettuccine – I like Barilla
as much garlic as you can stand, chopped fine
4-5 really ripe Roma tomatoes, diced
olive oil
truffle olive oil
regular salt
truffle salt
fresh basil

1) Cook the pasta. I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do this. If you insist on directions, there are some on the box. It’s also a good idea to start your water boiling before anything else.

2) Dice your garlic and tomatoes. I don’t peel my tomatoes. “But I don’t like tomato peels!” you may say, “They look ugly on the plate and feel funny in my mouth and real sauce doesn’t have peels in it!” Well, my honored guest, you’re free to have dinner at someone else’s house; a house where they don’t serve imaginary sauce. Just leave the dessert/wine you brought.

3) Start your regular olive oil in a cast iron skillet. Just a small glug for cooking since we’ll be finishing the dish with truffle oil. Throw in your garlic and swoosh it around a bit to infuse the flavor. Add tomatoes. Cast in a sprinkle of regular salt, but not too much since there is more salt to come at the end. Stir and smoosh for about 10 minutes. Turn off heat.

4) When the pasta is done and drained, add it to the tomato sauce. Toss it about with some tongs. Add some truffle oil and truffle salt. Toss some more, then plate. Chiffonade (cut real thin) fresh basil to sprinkle on top. Drizzle with just a touch more truffle oil. Grind a bit of black pepper on that shit and watch some RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Pasta a la truffle 2 (fuck your food trends, Yahoo!)

1 box of farfalle – yes, still Barilla
2 heads of swiss chard and/or spinach, roughly chopped
2 cloves of garlic, diced
two fingers’ width of Truffle Tremor cheese
olive oil
truffle oil
truffle salt

1) Really, I can’t say it enough. Put your water on to boil before you do anything else.

2) Chop up that chard and spinach. Yes, you should wash it first unless it came pre-bagged by some nice corporation. Just make sure you dry it a bit before cooking, otherwise you have watery pasta. Watery pasta will not get you laid. Sautee in regular olive oil with the garlic and – uwaga!- there will be more oil at the end, so not too much.

3) Toss drained pasta with chard/garlic. Add a bit of truffle oil and truffle salt. Toss again to mix. Plate.

4) Add small bit of Truffle Tremor cheese to each serving and grind a bit of crushed black pepper on there. Don’t forget to kiss your Fancy Roommate. He’s the one that made all these truffles happen.